Being a first time mum can be very overwhelming due to change. This post highlights 10 things you should know as a first time mum that isn’t spoken about much.
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Becoming a mother is the most beautiful thing to happen to you and at the same time the most overwhelming thing ever. There is so much change that happens not only with your body but also in your life. I became a mother to my little girl, Ayah, 18 months ago and I am still learning so much as she grows not just about her but about myself too.
So much information is thrown at you the second people find out you are pregnant. What to expect, how you’re going to feel, what you will go through etc. And whilst a lot of it is true, there are a few things no one told me about. And a lot of first time mums do not know about it until they have gone through it. This is normal and sometimes it is better to go through things yourself and learn through them rather than people telling you about them.
However, there are some things that I went through that I wish someone informed me about or knew to search about to help prepare me mentally. And because of this, I wanted to write a blog post on some things you should know as a first time mum.
This post is all about 10 things you should know as a first time mum
First Time Mum
1. Breastfeeding Isn’t For Everyone
The saying ‘breastfeeding is better’ boils my blood. When I gave birth to Ayah I had this pressure to breastfeed. I had a few questions about whether I am breastfeeding or not. I know people only had good intentions when asking and were not asking to judge. But it made me feel like if I didn’t breastfeed then I would seem like a failure and didn’t want the best for my child.
One thing I learned is that breastfeeding isn’t for me and definitely not for everyone. I don’t think I would ever breastfeed if we ever are blessed with another child and that’s ok.
Breastfeeding affected my mental health and a lot of mums that have found it challenging would say the same. After I stopped, I felt so good and felt like my mental health was better. Overall I believe it made me a better mother to my child – and that is what is important.
Breastfeeding is not the best, but neither is formula fed – it’s like they say ‘fed is best’. As long as your child is being fed, looked after and healthy, that is all that matters. If you feel breastfeeding is not for you, then just know it is normal and do not feel pressured to carry on as your mental health is extremely important. I wish someone told me this from day one but luckily I didn’t force myself to carry on longer than 2 weeks.
2. Bonding With Your Child May Take Time
This was the hardest one for me to admit to myself and others and I know it is for a lot of mums. After coming home with Ayah I didn’t have this bond that most mums talk about. And to be honest, I felt embarrassed even after learning that it is so normal. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her to bits but that bond that most mums say they feel straight away was just not there – even when I was breastfeeding.
Months have gone by and I still didn’t feel that bond. It didn’t even hit me that I am a mum, it took a while for me to feel like a mum and have a bond with my baby. My husband developed a bond straight away which I envied a lot.
But let me tell you this, the bond that every mother talks about WILL come later on. So don’t feel like you don’t have love for your child or as much love for your child. You do but it does take time to build a bond with a little human that has changed your life.
3. The Night Wakings And Crying Won’t Matter
Not every baby is a good sleeper, unfortunately. And there will be some days even weeks where your baby will wake up every hour screaming and crying during the night. It will be the hardest thing ever, especially after a very tiring day when all you want to do is sleep.
During these days you will probably cry, get frustrated, want to give up being a mum – you name it. But in the morning, it’s like you completely forget everything you went through last night. Seeing their little face smile at you makes you forget about the tough night you’ve had and just makes you appreciate your little one.
I know how tough these days/weeks can be but it does not matter at all in the morning. This is what I tell myself during the nights when mum frustration hits to help calm me down. So tell yourself that it won’t matter the next day and it will make a difference.
4. Mum Frustration Is Real
This brings me to mum frustration – this one is real. I was told about this when I was pregnant and I actually couldn’t believe it. I thought how could you get so frustrated at a baby?
When we came home from the hospital, after about 3 days, Ayah was constantly waking up every 45 minutes to 1 hour and the mum frustration hit. I felt so annoyed and angry and just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. But I am here to say that you are not the only one that feels that mum frustration! I have spoken to so many mums on Instagram who have said they feel the same way.
One way I try to control my mum frustration is by asking my husband to take over while I try to calm down. Another way I control it is by focusing on self-care at the end of the day when my husband comes home and takes over. I have a blog post on how to destress yourself at home to help reduce stress and anxiety – this will help you to recharge and feel so much better.
5. Being Overprotective Is Okay
You will become the most overprotective person you’ve ever been! And it’s okay to be overprotective. During the beginning stages, I was so overprotective. I hated it when anyone besides myself and my husband helped with Ayah – I would freak out inside. To some, this may sound silly because how could I hate when someone helps by holding Ayah right? However, in the beginning, this is what most mums experience. So much went on my mind – ‘you might transfer your germs to her’, ‘you’re not holding her properly’, you name it.
I was too worried to say anything to anyone as I didn’t want to offend family members. If you are not ok with someone holding your child then open up about it. You’d be surprised at how many people would understand. You just need to explain that it’s the early stages and you’re just feeling overprotective. People will understand that it’s a natural feeling.
It’s so normal and common to feel overprotective at the beginning but it’s just a phase! Don’t feel like you’re being crazy or too much.
6. Your Way Is The Right Way
Everyone you know that has had a baby and some who don’t even have a baby will always try to give your their opinion and their advice. And despite it being frustrating, it is always done out of love as they are only trying to help.
A lot of the advice people give you will be very helpful. However, you know your child better than anyone and your way will always be the right way so trust your instincts. For example, a lot of people will tell you not to give the pacifier. But if you feel like it is what helps your child calm down or sleep better, then that is the right way – and vice versa. So remember your way is the right way mama!
7. Giving Your Baby The Pacifier Is Okay Too
This brings me to giving your little one the pacifier. Everyone has different opinions about this – just like with everything else. Some say it’s okay and some say it’s not but both ways are okay because like I mentioned above your way is the right way.
Everyone has always given or just shared their opinions about the pacifier and most of it has been negative – ‘they’ll get used to it’, ‘it’ll affect their speech’ ‘it’ll be hard to get them off it’. And overall affected my decision at the beginning. I never gave Ayah the dummy at the beginning but I realised that it’s okay to do so. If you feel like it helps your baby sleep at night which in turn helps you sleep at night then why not?
People will always have something to say and at the end of the day, you need to do what’s right for your baby and your family. Something I’ve learnt is that babies will always get used to something. Whether that is being rocked to sleep or being picked up every time they cry or whatever it is. And it will always be a challenge to get them off what they are used to.
8. Your Relationship Will Be Tested
I remember being told this which scared me but it is not as bad IF you communicate your feelings. Our relationships will be tested in different ways. What I go through in my relationship may not be what you go through but knowing that your relationship will be tested is important as a first time mum.
I am so grateful to God for blessing me with a very supportive husband. However knowing that he can go to work, have lunch in peace, and go to the bathroom alone makes me lose it. Imagine being home all day with a baby or toddler and you’ve had no chance to eat lunch in peace or have a coffee in peace, it can be hard. I hated the freedom he had and I still do if I am honest but once you start to get used to things, everything becomes easier.
Although things may get easier, your relationship can still be tested as your child will grow and you will experience new things. So don’t feel like your relationship is failing. Just know that this is normal and the most important things to do are communicate, spend time together, even if it is having date nights at home and take some alone time for yourself. It is also important to take some time away from each other even if it’s for a few hours.
9. Anxiety Can Get Worse After
If you struggled with anxiety before having your little one then this one is for you.
One type of anxiety that got worse for me after having Ayah was time anxiety. For those who do not know what time anxiety is, it’s when you feel like you’re wasting time and feeling like you do not have time to do everything you need to do. As a first time mum, you probably know by now that after having your little one you hardly get time to do things that you usually do. And this is why my time anxiety got worse.
We all struggle with different types of anxiety and it is very likely to get worse after having a baby. But just know that it is normal and can be controlled. I find that starting my day to focus on myself can help to control my anxiety on most days. I have a blog post on 5 positive ways to start your day which can help reduce your anxieties throughout the day.
10. Time Flies By
Finally, the 10th thing every first time mum should know is that time does fly by.
My little girl is only 18 months but time has gone by so quick. I wanted to add this as the final point because even though motherhood can be tough it is the most beautiful and rewarding thing you will experience. They grow up so fast! It feels like it was just yesterday that Ayah was a newborn, and all I wanted was for her to be a toddler. But now that she is, I wish I can turn back time.
You are not alone and there are more mums out there than you think that are going through the same things as you. And if you ever need someone to talk to just to share your experience or whatever it could be then message me on my Instagram and I’ll be sure to reply! You’d be surprised how good it will make you feel about your journey if you speak to other mums.
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I hope you found this useful!
Lots of love, Mariam
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